The Truth About Secrets
I’ve got a secret. Something I’ve never told anyone before. You promise not to tell anyone? Promise? I’m only going to tell you. Don’t say a word. Do I have your attention now? Why do we have secrets? Why do we keep things to ourselves? Why do we only tell some people some things and never tell other people the same things? We speak out and speak up and demand for truth and honesty. Is “transparency” still a buzzword? Or has the buzz died down now?
I used to take a lot of pride in being blunt. You want an honest opinion? Sure, I’ll give it to ya. Raw. ODB. You might not like it. It will likely hurt. And you may shake your head and say, “I can’t believe he said that.” Not only would it hurt, a lot of times it pissed people off. Well, don’t ask if you can’t handle the truth. I could have delivered it differently. I could have cushioned the blow. I could have jabbed you the whole round. Instead I want for the killer left hook. KO. Not technical. 1st round. But that’s who I was and that’s why you came to me so you got what you were looking for. In the end, I can stand on my truth and honesty. If you want a fake hug, go to that guy.
I don’t know if truth means right. I don’t know if honesty means best. I know all the sayings you know about those things. Set you free. Best policy. All that stuff. But lately I’ve been second guessing my stance on that. I’ve been questioning a few recent decisions to speak up and speak out. I used to think that if you shared, if you opened up, it would lead others to do so. It worked in my interview days as a journalist. Share a little bit of myself and they’ll do the same. Of course the audience matters. Can’t expect everyone to react the same. But when there’s no reaction at all. That’s when you start second guessing. And that second guessing cripples you, freezes you into doing nothing. Trust your gut. Act on your intuition. Hear me?
Watching Aziz’s “Master of None” I’ve thought about all the secrets my parents bare. And I’ve thought about why they choose to keep them hidden. It’s not like I ask. I don’t know if they’d tell me. I think they would. Now that we’re all older. I don’t know what buried secrets do to a person’s development. I don’t know why when we’re going through things we tend to run inside ourselves. Why don’t we trust that those who proclaim their love and support for us will provide those things when we do open up? We’re afraid to be judged. Please continue to look at me the way I’ve worked so hard to present to you all this time. It’s because we’ve equated vulnerability, especially as men, with weakness or even anti-man, which we’ve equated with feminine, which we foolishly equated as bad as if we were not raised and reared by strong women who went through more than anything we can possibly imagine. Those who know me know how cruel and insensitive I can be. I will mock a weakness. Dismiss an insecurity. Question a pain. But that says more about me and who I am than them.
People come to me with their pain. I’ve always made people comfortable to confide in me. Give me 10 minutes with anyone and I’ll get their life story. Maybe it’s because I ask questions. I’m just a curious guy. But there’s that saying about a cat too. So is curiosity a bad thing? Well, mind your business. So why do we read stories about a curious monkey when we’re young and developing? The contradictions of who we are is what makes us who we are. You think animals contradict themselves? Like a lion tells a cub that violence is bad and then goes and kills their food? Or is that just a human trait? People share with me. They trust me. In confidence. There’s a contradiction. We have a need to protect ourselves, to create an emotional cocoon, to always exude an air of confidence of I have my shit togetherness so that the world won’t tear us down. But why does the world want to do that to us? The world of course being us. My bad. Back to the contradiction. We have a need to protect ourselves from others and we have a need to share with others. And these opposing needs are in constant battle. Fears, doubts, frustrations, regrets, past, present, future. We feel free when we share. And sometimes we feel vulnerable.
I used to think that men shouldn’t be that way. And there’s a part of me that still feels that way. I don’t know where I got that from. I’m working through that. At least I’m trying to. I’m not going to get it right all the time, Love. Please don’t give up on me. I’d like to think that I can just switch it on and off. But lately I haven’t been. I opened up. Got nothing. Then I retreated. Like a coward. Everybody got their own shit. Nobody wants to deal with somebody else’s shit. Can’t you see everyone’s too busy enjoying their lives? Just look at your phone. It’s not like I ran away. I was still there, present. But only physically. A shell. Pour yourself out. Empty your soul. Who’ll replenish? It’s an eco-system. I eat. You eat. We all eat. Feed each other. Share. Before our secrets eat us up. And there’s nothing left on the table.
