Struggling to Focus on Getting Greatly Messy
I don’t think it’s supposed to easy. It doesn’t happen because it’s hard. We admire people who make things look easy. Effortless. And we envy them because we can’t seem to even get started on things that’s burning us up inside. But often we see the finished product. We see the game winning shot. We rarely see the missed shots in practice. We all agree that it takes dedication, hard work, time, and pushing yourself past your limit to achieve greatness in the field of sports. But what about in the world of art? Or creativity? How do we show for that? Where’s the behind the scenes video?
Some of the pieces I write on here really flow. Like I don’t stop typing. Other times I’m sludging through them. But like most writers know the hardest part is just starting the damn thing. It’s not like I don’t have the time. We all have the time. It feels great when it flows, like something else is driving it. But man when I get stuck, all types of feelings kick in. I want to quit. I hate every word I type. I feel like anyone who reads it will think that I’m a sham. Then I think well I guess that means that I care. Caring doesn’t seem to be in these days. It’s all I don’t give a fuck what anyone else is doing or what anyone else thinks of me or what I’m doing. Sounds like a lonely existence. The worst part of creating something is the empty silent room. Hello? Nothing? Hello?
I’m working on trying to get messier. Trying not to worry too much about making sense or having structure. I’m good at structure. I’m good at making things click and run. I do that as a “job.” Sort of. Not sure if I’m even good at that but organization is easy for me. But that other part, tapping into my subconscious, pulling out all the dark stuff is what I struggle with. I want to work on tapping into that. I saw a fellow writer post a photo of himself crying after he finished his recent play. He said he tapped into a painful part of his memory and life that he’d forgotten about. I mean isn’t that the shit that people resonate to? Everything feels so fucking safe these days. Our need to be liked just results in a bunch of cool things that get a reaction of “Cool.” Next. But what’s that thing that made you put your life on pause and say holy shit! That thing that made you feel. That moved you. That thing that you thought about the next day. Confusion is OK. Not getting something should be fine. Being challenged should be cool. Challenging too. As long as it’s from an authentic place. And my how that word’s been bastardized by the advertising industry who ruin everything that’s good.
Art. Who decides? Who determines? Is originality important? Been talking about those things this week. Challenging myself to explore myself more and push myself more. Doing for the sake of doing is good but where’s the growth? Shouldn’t we be turned off if they say something was “easy.” Why are we so afraid to admit that we busted our ass on something? Is it so that we can cover our ass if someone says they didn’t like it? Hey, yeah I didn’t try that hard. I didn’t want to spend too much time on it. I just wanted to get it done. As a kid, I used to love jumping off things. I need that back. Now I admire anyone who’s trying and willing to put out something into the world that’s just waiting to shred it to pieces. I feel like no one will like it. I feel like no one will understand. I feel like everyone else is doing it. Why do we care so much about that? Being yourself, creating by yourself is a frightening thought to so many of us. So instead of doing it we rip others apart who are doing what we want to be doing. Being crushed is a great way to learn how much you want something.
I know I come off like a confident guy. What’s that? You say arrogant? Fair. Cocky? Hey now. And I wonder if I’m more honest on here than I am anywhere in my life. Like everyone else I get distracted. Social media sucks me in. I binge watch TV shows. I watch a lot of movies. But I read more books this year than ever before and that may even include college. Like most of us I got a lot interests. But lately I’ve been letting go of the idea of pursuing a lot of them. I want to focus back on writing in one form or another. I don’t believe that you can be great at a lot of things. There may be some people who may think they are but I’m talking great not good. Like so great that you created a piece of timeless work. Like so great that you changed the way people viewed things. Like so great that you changed something forever. There’s too many choices now. Had lunch with Paul Beatty earlier this week. He still has no cell phone. I explained to him that I met My Lady on Tinder. I explained it to him. Told him about TV shows he should watch. He asked how does anyone keep up with all these things. When Kobe announced his retirement Noah wrote on FB how he’d never met anyone so focused on being the greatest at one thing. It’s not cool to just do one thing now. Renaissance men are praised. What else you working on? To be totally obsessed and possessed on just one thing probably seems boring now. Especially when it seems like everyone can do anything. Has anyone not thought of getting into photography, DJing, or painting of some sort? And no knock on you if you pursued that. Especially if opportunities came a knockin’.
She says that I’m always on social media. It’s made me think about why I’m on there so much. Is it to pass the time? Is it so I can be up on everything when it happens? It’s not like I go to group dinners where I need to participate in conversations on the hashtag or outrage of the day. Is it so I don’t feel left out? Let’s not forget my Feedly feed that I’m constantly reading. If you’re into the whole energy thing it makes sense that I’m not getting the work done if I’m spending my energy just following streams of mostly useless information and thoughts. We spend so much time reacting instead of acting. Hard to paint a picture when the paper’s scattered all over the place. I know I probably repeat myself in these posts. It will be fun to read them in a few years. Will I laugh? Will I be embarrassed? Will I care? Will you?
